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Windows for Telepaths (2)


Microsoft Announces Beta Release Of Windows TP

REDMOND WA (JAN 13) BUSINESS WIRE - Microsoft Corp announced Thursday that a beta release of Windows TP, the telepathic operating system, was released to 1,500 test sites worldwide.

Developed using the soon-to-be released Microsoft C for Neurons, Windows TP bypasses awkward user interfaces by interacting directly with the user's brain. Using Microsoft MindMouse, users can visualize images in their mind, and the application associated with that image (or "thought icon") is executed. Users can visualize pictures to create Windows Bitmap images, or think text directly into Windows applications. Windows TP is fully compatible with all previous versions of Windows.

Data stored under Windows TP can be copied into the user's short-term memory (the Windows TP Clipboard), or transferred directly into the user's long-term memory using Windows' new 32-bit Direct Neuron Access technology. Users can then plug into other Windows TP systems to transfer data.

Microsoft also announced the first application developed exclusively for Windows TP. CyberMail is a mental mail system designed to transfer messages by thought. Users visualize the person or company logo they want to send a message to, followed by the message to send. Microsoft has had a beta version of the application in use for several months.

CONTACT: Microsoft Corporation, Liz Wagthor, 206-555-8080 (CyberMail address: A shorth dumpy lady with shiny red hair and a really gross mole growing on the right side of her lip. Also has a blue tattoo on her right arm that says "Billy G.'s the Man for Me"


NEW YORK, Apr 1, Reuter - Microsoft's new Windows TP has a long way to go before final release, say beta testers of the product.

Testers report numerous problems with the thought icons included with the product. "I can see a fish tail representing some useful things, but the Program Manager? It's just not intuitive", says Clyde Revlon, an MIS specialist with McBalmy, Crain, and Larch. "Whoever came up with these thought icons needs therapy. I'm sure the guy's Yorkshire terrier is wonderful, but as the File Manager? A golden retriever I could understand. And that sweater the terrier is wearing, it's just too loud. Let me control the sweater."

Testers also report dangerous corruption problems with the Direct Neuron Access technology. "Colors, I smell colors. Dog, good dog, go to the light mom", said Maggie Ferreaux, a consultant with Sharp, Trenchant, and Blunt Computer Services.

Other testers were less understanding. "I'm working on a presentation, and suddenly, all I can think about is pages "A" through "C" of the Miami telephone directory. It took me three hours to get it out of my mind. That blows my productivity right out of the water", says Max Pirenich, a salesman for Carp Technology. "Just thinking about Excel scares the crap out of me."

Microsoft officials acknowledged the issues, citing that no beta release of a product is perfect, and vowed to provide testers with the services of the same Neurologist that helped Microsoft Quality Assurance recover from testing the product in its early stages. Many Microsoft QA engineers are expected to live long, productive lives.