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Dear John

Geschlechterkampf

Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okeefenokee, Missouri 69336

December 14

Dearest John,

I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have more surprised.

With deepest love and affection,


Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okeefenokee, Missouri 69336

December 15

Dearest John,

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,


Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okeefenokee, Missouri 69336

December 16

Dear John,

Oh! Aren't you the extravagent one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three french hens! They are just so darling, but I must insist, you've been too kind.

Love,


Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okeefenokee, Missouri 69336

December 17

Dear John,

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now, really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.

Affectionately,


Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okeefenokee, Missouri 69336

December 18

Dearest John,

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings - one for every finger! You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly all those squaking birds were starting to get on my nerves.

All my love,


Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okeefenokee, Missouri 69336

December 19

Dear John,

When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge! Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't keep and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop!

Cordially,


Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okeefenokee, Missouri 69336

December 20

John,

What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven swans a swimming! What kind of crappy joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck; it's not funny. So stop with the fucking birds already.

Sincerely yours,


Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okeefenokee, Missouri 69336

December 21

O.K. Buster,

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking? It's not enough with all these birds and the eight maids a milking, but they had to bring those ridiculous cows!! There is shit all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.

Yours,


Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okeefenokee, Missouri 69336

December 22

Hey Shithead,

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there are nine pipers playing - and Hells Bells do they play! They haven't stopped playing with those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they are stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours,


Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okeefenokee, Missouri 69336

December 23

You Rotten Sonofabitch,

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep, and they've got diarrea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoened me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. That's it! I'm calling the police.

One who means it!!!


Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okeefenokee, Missouri 69336

December 24

Listen Asshole,

What's with the eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers have run through the maids, and now they're committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten visious swine.

Your sworn enemy,


BINDEM, TWISTEM, AND GOUGEM
ATTORNEYS AT LAW
910 Upyurs Avenue
St. Louis, Missourri

DECEMBER 25

JOHN BEDEVILER
85 ORNERY PLACE
ANNOYANCE, MISSOURRI

DEAR SIR:

THIS IS TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR LATEST GIFT OF 12 FIDDLERS FIDDLING WHICH HAVE SEEN FIT TO INFLICT ON OUR CLIENT, MISS ABIGAIL FORTHRIGHTLY. THE DESTRUCTION, OF COURSE, WAS TOTAL. ALL FURTHER CORRESPONDENCE SHOULD COME TO OUR ATTENTION. IF YOU SHOULD ATTEMP TO REACH MISS FORTHRIGHTLY AT HAPPY DALE SANITARIUM, THE ATTENDANTS HAVE INSTRUCTIONS TO SHOOT YOU ON SIGHT. WITH THIS LETTER, PLEASE FIND ATTACHED A WARRANT FOR YOUR ARREST.

CORDIALLY,

WILL GOUGEM
BINDEM, TWISTEM, AND GOUGEM
Attorneys at Law