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Pie In The Sky

Computerwelt

     \~/
     ,"\
    / |_`.
   / (__  \
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  `.___|_,'     
A long, long time ago,
I can still remember how those schemes used to make me smile...
And I knew that if I ruled the world,
Then I would send those jerks to hell
And maybe I'd be happy, for a while...
         _
     _,-'/\
 _,-',='/  \
 \`---+'`-._\
  \  / _,-'
   \,-'         
But bulk e-mailers made me shiver
Every second, they'd deliver
Junk mail on my doorstep,
I couldn't take one more step...
    ______
   (_=o___)
   |      |
   | Diet |
   | SPAM |
   (______)     
Until now, I've never tried
To filter out that spam deep-fried
But something touched me deep inside
The day, my server, died.
 ,--.    `_'
(_.__)  -(_)-
         , .
  _.-*-._
 \_______/.-.
      (__._._)  
So...
Bye bye scam, you're just pie in the sky
Drove the Albanians crazy, and sucked them all dry
Them good old admins let this spam slip by
Singing, "This'll be the day that I die;
This'll be the day that I die."
     /L.
    /.L:`.
   /. J:::`.
  /. . L::::>
 /. . .J::,'
/_______L'      
Do you have faith in MLM,
And do you think Good Times will cause mayhem,
Because your e-mail tells you so?
Do you believe in pyramids
Free Money, and all that stuff that kids
Circulate to make the Internet real slow?
+-------------+
|# ad me      |
|`-# Re:ad me |
|# EASY MONEY |
|# XXX PICS!! |
+-------------+ 
Well I know the Net is full of crime
'Cause I get this spam stuff all the time
But I can't just run away
Because I haven't checked Usenet yet today...
      ,-.
     |66A
     /`'M\
    (|  `M\
   _>\   |M)
   '-_)=(_,'
I am a lonely teenage computer nerd
With a dual boot of Linux and Hurd,
But I foresaw the Reich of Gates the Third
The day, my server, died.
 ,--.    `_'
(_.__)  -(_)-
         , .
  _.-*-._
 \_______/.-.
      (__._._)
I started singing:
Bye bye scam, you're just pie in the sky
Drove the Albanians crazy, and sucked them all dry
Them good old admins let this spam slip by
Singing, "This'll be the day that I die;
This'll be the day that I die."
     X
____/ \__o____
   /`-'\ T
. /   ) \   o
 /`--/--'\ /\
:`-./A_,-'/> U  
Now for nigh on ten years we've been on our own
While the Web grows fat on it's commercial throne,
But that's not how it used to be;
While the gopher sang for academic jocks
In Veronica's closet and Archie's box,
Tim invented the H T tepee...
    ,===-.
   ||    \\
   || \   _
    `==> [_]
      /
  R e l o a d
And while Berners-Lee was looking down
Andreesen stole his thorny crown
Enquire Within was adjourned
And a 404 was returned
And while Oracular Priests gave out their marks
The Kibologists practised in the park
And I sang a ditty in the dark
The day, my server, died.
 ,--.    `_'
(_.__)  -(_)-
         , .
  _.-*-._
 \_______/.-.
      (__._._)
I was singing:
Bye bye scam, you're just pie in the sky
Drove the Albanians crazy, and sucked them all dry
Them good old admins let this spam slip by
Singing, "This'll be the day that I die;
This'll be the day that I die."
  \   |    /
  _
/|_)| |\ ||/ \
\|_)|_||\||\ /

 /    |    \
With custom tags, and a file mime
The browsers began to waste our time
Eight megabytes high and growing fast;
And as Id Est and the Lizard fought in the grass,
The open-sourcers caught the pass
With the Mosaic all in pieces, in the dust.
      ,-.
    (_|L )
    _`& `_
    \`"'|))
   _ L_J_
  ``-===-' '
Now the smell of Java was sweet perfume
But the Borg was playing a fighting tune
We all got ready to dance
Oh, but we never got the chance...
'Cause the programmers tried to take the field
But the .java classes refused to yield
Do you remember what Sun's tests revealed
The day, the server, died.
 ,--.    `_'
(_.__)  -(_)-
         , .
  _.-*-._
 \_______/.-.
      (__._._)
We had been singing:
Bye bye OS, you're just pie in the sky
We don't need you any more, so we'll kiss you goodbye
But the good old Borg were drinking decaf, and why?
'Cause that would be the day that they die
That would be the day that they die.
1        (?)
2         )
3    .._o
4  ..://\/
5 ..:_/\
6   ..:/
And meanwhile, ASCII artists in our places
A generation lost in tabs and spaces
Trying to make our pics look right;
So keep your sigs to four lines or three
And make sure that you use PGP
'Cause crypto is freedom's only friend...
       /)
   ,-.(/,-.
  /       /
 |       (
  \   _   >
   `-' `-'      
And as I saw Bill on the screen and Steve on the stage
My hands were clenched in fists of rage
This was worse than a spammer
Where was that woman with her hammer?
And as the flames came flooding in
alt.silly.newsgroups.clogged.up.tin
I saw the Borg wear an evil grin
The day, my server, died.
 ,--.    `_'
(_.__)  -(_)-
         , .
  _.-*-._
 \_______/.-.
      (__._._)
I was singing:
Bye bye scam, you're just pie in the sky
Drove the Albanians crazy, and sucked them all dry
Them good old admins let this spam slip by
Singing, "This'll be the day that I die;
This'l be the day that I die."
    ,---.
   /'_'_`\
  // ~<~`)\
  (( `-'/_
     ) (-<\
  ,-'   `.\\    
I met a girl, Emily Postnews
And I asked for her to cure my blues,
But she just smiled and cancelled me;
I went down to the cybercafe
Where I'd heard you didn't have to pay
But the man there said that the Net was down today...
 \  \ ,-./_ .
,  , \     )
  (  BOOM!  ) )
   (       /
 `   / `-' \ '
    /     \     
Because the y2k had rolled around
And the Net had crashed into the ground
And not a byte was spoken
The software all was broken...
And the three men I admire most,
Stallman, Linus, and the Oracular Ghost,
They took a Chevy to the coast,
The day, our servers, died.
 ,--.    `_'
(_.__)  -(_)-
         , .
  _.-*-._
 \_______/.-.
      (__._._)  
And they were singing:
Bye bye spam, you're just pie in the sky
The Net is all gone, but let's not just cry
We can start again one day, if only we try
And I said, "That'll be the day that I die;
That'll be the day that I die."
 ,--.    `_'
(_.__)  -(_)-
         , .
  _.-*-._
 \_______/.-.
mt-2  (__._._)  
We're all singing:
Bye bye spam, you're just pie in the sky
The Net is all gone, but let's not just cry
We can start again one day, if only we try
Even if that is the day that we die;
Even if that is the day...that we die.

Copyright (C) 1998 Matthew Thomas (with apologies to Don McLean). This work may be freely copied, forwarded, or otherwise reproduced, as long as this copyright message is included.