Humor und Satire
Computerwelt
BASIC
BASIC programmers are paranoid because any 16 year old could do their job,
if asked. To try to secure their positions, they deliberately write code
using the double-spaghetti method; never using a FOR...NEXT loop where four
or five IF...THEN...ELSE constructs might do. Since they taught themselves
programming on a ZX81 rigged up to the family telly, they have huge gaps
in their computing knowledge. BASIC programmers ring up technical support
centres to ask questions like 'What are those funny numbers with letters
in them?'
Pascal
Despite an early reputation for gambling (as in Pascal's bet), these days
Pascal programmers are all deadly enthusiastic. They are proud of the ability
of their language to define a type representing, for example, different flavours
of crisp. This enables them to write useful code where tomato=succ(salt_n_vinegar),
and ord(roast_beef)/2>ord(prawn_cocktail). Pascal people all know exactly
how programming should be done and enjoy casting their pearls of wisdom among
the swine who write in lesser dialects.
FORTRAN
FORTRAN programmers learned their craft at college in 1935. They are convinced
that theirs is the language of the future, pointing out that in 1966 it was
selected as the ANSI standard for writing Snoopy calendar programs. FORTRAN
programmers are not altogether at ease with modern peripherals such as VDUs
(which they refer to as 'glass teletypes'). They are the only people in the
programming community to use flowcharts, which they draw with loving care
using their special WH Smith stencils. These diagrams are then filed away
with the source code, ignored for the life of the program and then finally
thrown away unread because even FORTRAN is easier to read than a flowchart.
Assembly Language
Assembly language programmers are closer to the machine than anybody else,
emotionally as well as in programming terms. This symbiosis can be taken
too far; programmers who faint when the reset button is pressed should perhaps
consider switching to C, or even chartered accountancy. Assembly programmers
often pretend to be able to patch their code in hex as they go ('I think
you'll find that C4 F2 D1 at offset 24A2 will fix the problem, Nigel'). They
manage this by introducing deliberate errors into their programs, pre-assembling
the 'patched' result secretly and concealing the results in tiny writing
on their shirt cuffs.
C
Traditionally the C programmer was a bearded bore who would corner
you at parties and breathe garlic and Unix all over you. All this has now
changed. These days C programmers are clean shaven bores who corner you at
parties and breathe lager and OS/2 all over you. They can still be trusted
to have a witty quote or two from the Good Book to liven up a dull conversation,
such as 'a primary expression follwed by an expression in square brackets
is a primary expression'.
Xbase
Xbase people go red when lesser mortals refer to their language as a 'database'
language. They strongly believe that Xbase can do anything a specialist language
can do, it might produce a program three times as large and twenty times
slower but it can do it. When confronted with a non-believer who has unwittingly
entered the world of Xbase they mercililessly perform a frightening ritual
known as 'The Boyce Codd Relation Rules'. This has the effect of making the
new user re-write his code to conform to these rules and thereby make a perfectly
good program constantly crash with 'Target already engaged in relation'.
Notwithstanding these faults, it should be noted that some Xbase programmers
are incredibly together people, who turn over an honest penny working for
Microsoft.